Last month I wrote that I’d been taking time to rest and digest before sharing my reflections. What I left out was that I only rested because I got sick.
A herd of horses don’t often rest all at the same time, or in the same way. Some lie down flat. Some doze standing. One stays upright with her head high, watching the treeline, and when she’s ready to rest, another takes her place. I have spent years witnessing my herd doing this in the pasture. I have said some version of “the herd is good at taking turns to hold space” more times than I can count.
But it didn’t occur to me until recently that I had been holding space for 10 years without ever fully handing it over. Not because there was no one to hand it to. Every member of our team has taken their turn holding space over the years, and held it beautifully. It’s that my nervous system never registered the handoff. Some part of me stayed upright with my head high, scanning the treeline, waiting for the next thing to attend to whether or not I was needed. And then I had no choice. Our relocation earlier this year forced me to delegate everything all at once.
My biggest mistake as a small business owner was in thinking that I had to be available at all times. To produce, to guide, to direct, to lead, to answer the million questions at all hours of the day that come with an international operation. No wonder I’d been saying all these years that I love the work that we do, but that I hate running a business! I have said it to the faculty. I have said it to friends. I have said it to anyone who asked how things were going, and there was something almost satisfying in saying it, as though the exhaustion were proof of my commitment.
I realize I’ve held other misconceptions too. Related to not resting was my introject (or internalized rule) that rest is only available when all tasks are completed. It’s a reward that I’ve been chasing without success because there’s always the next task. Coupled with this was another introject that unless I’m sick and can’t keep going, then I just have to carry on. Now add yet another layer on top of that with a misguided judgement that “rest” equates to being unproductive and I can see how I’ve really set myself up for a zinger of continuously pushing myself beyond my limits.
So of course it took getting sick for me to stop. Probably from hugging so many people during our 10th anniversary conference, with an immune system already lowered from being utterly depleted. But what I realized when I started feeling unwell was that I felt relieved! And in my “forced” rest, I reflected on this and became aware of my own expectations and why I was relieved. Being sick allowed me to not make decisions from a depleted place. It gave me permission to not be productive. I didn’t feel I had to come to some profound insight, or clarity about a strategic or operational decision. I could “simply” listen to my body and nourish myself however I needed. I took a bath. I slept. I ate good food.
Once nourished and replenished, that’s when the insights emerged. Because when I’m running on the last of my reserves, every option in front of me looks like an obligation, a demand, or even a threat. But when I’m operating from a well of abundance, the same options look like choices.
So it’s not true that I don’t enjoy running a business. Or at least, it’s not true in the way I have been saying it.
What I don’t like is the feeling of constantly trying to meet other people’s expectations. The unrelenting sense of being demanded upon. Requests arrive faster than I can answer them, each one reasonable on its own, but together they create an overwhelming, never-ending to-do list that’s beyond my control. Hardly surprising that I don’t like that. But that’s not running a business. That’s a lack of time boundaries, self-imposed rules and expectations that will always be impossible to meet.
Once I could see that, I could also see what I do like, and even love.
I love creativity and innovation. I enjoy collaboration and sharing ideas. I love designing curriculum, and I thrive when I can dream big: thinking about where this field is heading and what practitioners will need from us in 5 years that they don’t yet know they need; deciding what we’ll offer and what we won’t. Working out how to support a new generation of practitioners and contribute to the sustainability of this industry. That’s running a business too, and I’ve been doing plenty of that behind the scenes.
I just wasn’t counting any of it. In my head, running a business meant answering emails, tracking spreadsheets, and fielding phone calls outside of office hours. The dreaming and the collaborating were what I did in the gaps, as though they were a hobby I’d snuck in around the real work. But they’re not a hobby. They’re at the core of The HERD, aligned with our values and mission and intentionally, strategically integrated into everything that we offer. Most importantly, I’ve never once done it alone. Every good idea we’ve had came out of conversations with faculty, students, graduates, and other industry leaders.
And now that I’ve given myself the time to replenish and recharge, I am brimming with excitement and energy to share our latest development: HERDMind®.
The app has been live on the App Store and Google Play for a while now, but it landed right at the beginning of our relocation process. I was frustrated that I had to put it on the back burner for a few months, but that time has allowed us to assess what’s working and what isn’t. Based on your feedback, we’ve changed a few things, and the newly updated version is available to download now.
What shifted? I stopped thinking of HERDMind as a product I’m shipping and started thinking of it as infrastructure. My vision for it is that it becomes the go-to resource for Equine Assisted Services. A place where practitioners can find session plans, learning resources, and a sense of community. Practitioners in this field are often small or solo programs. That isolation impacts the quality of what they’re able to offer, and it’s something we can actually do something about.
I’m in the process of speaking with other industry leaders about the types of resources we can make available in the app. New videos showcasing the different modalities, training provider information, and downloadable resources are all coming soon. The focus of the app is Shared Wisdom. Collective Purpose. And I want that to come alive in how we interact with each other in the app, not just when we’re in person at conferences.
Which brings me back to something Abriana Johnson said in her keynote in Columbus, that no matter what type of business you’re in, it all boils down to the values that you are building relationships on. I’ve been sitting with that ever since, and it turns out it applies inward as much as outward. Ten years in, a lot of how we operate is inherited from a much smaller version of us, one where access to The HERD program meant access to me, personally. Decisions I made informally, on the phone, between sessions, that inadvertently became policy. So this fall I’m doing a focused bootcamp with Abriana on strategy, values, and operations, because I want our values to show up even more clearly in how we make decisions, not only in what we teach.
That’s also the answer to the expectations problem. When the values are clear, I know what to decline, and holding boundaries stops feeling like a failure of generosity.
If you work in this field, you’re probably far better at all of this on behalf of others than you are for yourself. You watch for the horse who has given enough and you end the session. You notice the participant who has reached her edge and you slow down. You know that a nervous system can’t integrate anything while it’s still braced. And then you go home and answer emails until 11pm.
So I’m not going to tell you to rest more. That advice has never once worked on me and I doubt it’ll work on you. What I’ll suggest instead is that you look at what you’ve been calling “the job”. Some of what’s exhausting you probably isn’t the work at all. It’s the rules you’ve laid on top of the work, and unlike the work, those are negotiable.
Last month I wrote that if our first ten years were about building a home, the next ten are about increasing access to it. Not access to me. Access to each other. That’s what HERDMind is for. Shared Wisdom. Collective Purpose. A home for this work where the door stays open whether or not I’m awake. Come and see what we’ve built. Better yet, come and help us build it.
